If My Kidney Could Text

Last night, my imagination ran wild thinking of Sidney-the-kidney being a heavy texter on their iKidney™ phone.

6:58 AM
“I have awakened before you again. Don’t mind me, just lying here, carrying the weight of your world. Rise, my human dude. FYI, your bladder is full anyway. You’re welcome.”

7:00 AM
“Hey, stay awake, no, wait, don’t go back to sle… oh, never mind.”

7:15 AM
“Don’t you dare hit the snooze button again… shoot, I’m too late.”

8:04 AM
“You logged in before drinking your water.
(overdramatically) TBH, I am parched, still (cough cough). Subtle, I know. But, Oscar worthy? (I’m asking for a friend).”

9:12 AM
“You took your pills. I am proud of you. Thanks for the water along with ’em. Truly. I could cry, but I have work to do.”

9:31 AM
“IDK why you insist on coffee. I suppose hydration is just a dream I must let go of. And I know what you’ll reply with… (imitating Chad) ‘But Sidney, there is water in coffee.’
Talk to the hand I don’t have; I’ve heard it all before. LOL, that you actually think your caffeine-enhanced brew counts as hydration.”

9:32 AM
“Oh great, now I feel the caffeine kicking in. Let’s take a walk, shall we?”

11:59 AM
“Can we take a break for lunch? Please? HEY, don’t you dare grab that salt shaker. I’m still buzzing from the caffeine; I can’t handle anything more. Remember, there is only one of me working double time. I am but a mere fragile organ. Handle with care.”

2:22 PM
“Dude, you haven’t stood up in ages. I fear you may get atrophy in your legs and never walk again. BRB, looking for a match to light your chair on fire.”

3:48 PM
“IMHO, that salty peanut snack was a bit reckless. A choice that will echo through the chambers of my being. Just for that, you are going to get up and go to the bathroom (thinks) 3 times tonight. Who is LOLing now? (Hint: it’s me.)”

4:59 PM
“Afternoon slump, I see. I could help you, you know. If only I had… some high-quality H2O, as “The Waterboy” might say. ICYMI, that subtle/not-so-subtle hint means water.”

6:14 PM
“Dinner time. Choose wisely, my dude. My fate hangs in the balance like a chandelier in a soap opera mansion. Yes, sometimes I watch soap operas on your phone while you are sleeping. Hey. I’m bored. I watch them on silent so they don’t wake you, but they are funnier to watch on silent, anyway.”
(follow-up text)
“Spoiler alert: Stefano DiMera on ‘Days of Our Lives’ came back from the dead, again.”

7:32 PM
“Writing again? Beautiful. Inspiring. SMH, yet the water bottle sits beside you, untouched. (And as the kids say) It is giving ‘abandoned houseplant.’ You see it, don’t you? Right over there. You are the one who filled it after all.“

9:03 PM
“Evening meds. You remembered! Otherwise, I might collapse dramatically (like this squirrel) onto the floor of your office. And by that I mean, your subconscious.”

9:41 PM
“You’re thinking about staying up late again, aren’t you? (removes sleep mask) Fine, but I’m staying in my pajamas, though. YOLO, I guess.”

11:27 PM
“Goodnight. I will spend the night filtering through your good and bad choices and wondering if tomorrow will be the day you hydrate like the superhero I know you can be.”

3:46 AM
“Okay, dude, time to get up and go to the bathroom for the second time. You knew this was coming.” (imitates Dr. Evil’s laugh)

3:48 AM
Chad: “Good night, Sidney. Shut off the soap opera; screen time is over.”

Related Post:
If My Kidney Could Talk