This is my very first journal entry. Some of my initial thoughts here were included in the post, “Why I chose to donate?” My other entries are much shorter…
I’m on a flight right now for work and wanted to put some thoughts together for where I’m at in this kidney donating process. I’ll have a couple hours of uninterrupted self reflection time here. Do I take the next step, or do I rule this out? How am I supposed to support my friend through this?
I’ve had three phone calls thus far with the advocate donor staff. This was mainly a review of the pros and cons and discussing the risks associated with the surgeries. My next step is to have another meeting with the team’s psychologist. These first meetings went quickly and were scheduled about a week apart. Now I’m not sure and it’s been about two weeks since I last heard back. I’ll call to follow up.
So now the hard part. How do I feel about this? Let me try to lay out my thoughts as it’s easier for me to do in writing.
Well, both my parents and wife are nervous about this. Perhaps more so than I right now, as quite a few things still need to go right and be approved for this all to work out.
So far, all I know is I think I’m O positive and a universal donor. Just based on that alone, it’s probably very likely I can donate to Chad. My hope is I can be provided some divine chance for a perfect match, blood type, markers etc- a hopeful head nod from the man upstairs. I doubt a perfect match is in the cards, but God doesn’t need a perfect match to make this work. I feel like God would say, “My plan is always perfect and I’ve got your back and Chad’s through this time.”
I don’t really have many questions at this time other than-Will God show up? How?
Will Chad get a non-living donor kidney during the time I’m going through this process? I ran some basic stats through AI and it’s likely the peritoneal dialysis will probably no longer be very effective for him after the next 3 to 5 years. After one year he’s had to increase the hours required on the machine at night after test results showed elevated readings of whatever they test for. Creatinine or something like that.
The blood dialysis option, hemodialysis, is quite a bit more of a process and still considered palliative care, or end of life care. It’s not really known how long a specific person can maintain this regiment, but I know it’s not easy. After speaking to my brother, who is a nurse, he mentioned that the longer the kidney dialysis, the more waste and such are stored or stuck in the body’s organs and skin. Medical equipment and technology is amazing, but still not as good as the human body. So if I think about this logically, the sooner the better for a transplant.
Enter me. I’m nearly the same age, height and maybe weight as Chad. I’ve been blessed with good health really my whole life. Ya, I’m still an overweight American by at least 30 lbs. I can fix that and have started down that road for a better diet and trying to exercise more.
I feel like I’m getting over extended with a busy and demanding work schedule, troop master role, trying to reorganize my life and garages after flipping two houses which are now both rented with basic upkeep items from time to time. Keeping up with family stuff and kids activities is always the norm for a dad with an awesome wife and three great kids. My wife and two oldest kids, 14 and 12 are aware I’m pursuing the option to be a donor. I guess the process of considering donating a kidney is adding some additional stress, or weight, or elevated anxiety to my life. How could it not, right? I’m 43, and my “feelings” vocabulary is generally pretty limited as a male who cognitively conceives of only 4 main emotions to begin with. I’m apprehensive about the pain of recovery, but I’ve done that before with major surgery after breaking both bones in my lower arm. I know I can persevere through it.
Is the experience of a few months of pain and likely a slow recovery, worth at least trying to save my friend’s life who needs a kidney to live or else he may not even make it into his 50s? Yes. Changing my lifestyle a bit and my diet, mandating exercise? Yes. Giving up my dreams to be a middle-aged UFC fighter? Ok I guess so. Is it worth stressing out my family and needing to rely on their help for a few weeks? Yes. Being poked and prodded and tested? Yes.
What if it doesn’t work and Chad’s body rejects it or worse? That’s in God’s hands, not mine. Is it worth it still? Yes- you’ve got to try.
If I was put into a situation of some unknown chance of outcome and I had to jump into a frozen river, open the door to a burning car or house, confront a gunman to help save someone? Would I do that??? I sure hope I would have the strength and ability to step up in a situation like that. Whether for a friend, family member or someone I didn’t know- ya I hope I would act. Injury and possibly death could be very likely in any one of those scenarios.
Now, what if the success rate for both donor and recipient is like over 95%, let’s say. I’d have to refer back to the Neb medicine stats to be certain, but just knowing the success rate for both of us coming out on top is really good- not 100% but still really good. The chances are very good that we’d be alive and kicking and able to live without regret that we did our best, we sacrificed, and we took up this specific cross to bear when the opportunity presented itself. While acknowledging there are still things out of our control- is this still worth it? For a friend, with expert surgeons and doctors, with family support, with statistics on our side, with the ultimate Healer in charge of everything anyway? YES.
So, Chad wrote a book titled, Left Standing. I’ll be honest that in the business of life, I don’t sit down and read many physical books anymore due to the ease of listening to downloaded books and podcasts on my phone while multitasking through life. I have felt ashamed that I’ve not read a book published by one of my friends. I’ve made the assumption that it likely wasn’t in my typical genre of literature and just haven’t gotten to it. Perhaps the contents and storyline of the book should remain a mystery to me right now; not because I don’t want to read it, but because in my mind it feels like Chad is “Left Standing” right now and this epilogue is still writing itself at the passage of every morning unhooking his port from the dialysis machine. As our journeys continue down this path (one that Chad does not know I’m treading down at this time), my hope is the epilogue or sequel could be titled “Not Left Standing”. (You will later see how this journal entry idea came back into the story. I was very glad I took the time to write my thoughts.)
I realize I just said all that and logically rationalized everything. Maybe I was working through the thought process to calm my nerves because I like my kidney where it is and I don’t want to lose the little fella. We’ve gone through 42 years of life and I’ve never once thought about him. Right kidney caught a slap shot from a roller hockey puck once, I thought about him then! Worried I’d be peeing blood or something a few hours later. My bladder is always way more on the forefront of my mind. Always needy, always interrupting my day requesting relief at regular intervals throughout the day.
I’ve never had a second thought from those filtering workhorses, always working, no complaints.
I recall a quote from one of my favorite movies, 300.
King Leonidas: “Dilios, I trust that ‘scratch’ hasn’t made you useless.”
Dilios: “Hardly, my lord, it’s just an eye. The gods saw fit to grace me with a spare.”
And so while I do love my under-appreciated left kidney (I’ll have to come up with a clever name for him).
Jeffney (play off Jeffrey), Thirdney (Chad will now have three kidneys as I understand it. Chad eventually came up with “Sidney” the kidney).
I’ll come up with something. But due to the estimated lifestyle change and more testing of the right kidney to see how he’s doing, I’ll have to come up with a new name for him as well. He and I will be on this journey together. Peeliable, The Lone Filter, Renal Rambo, King Pee-onitis…?
As AI, technology, and medical science is progressing at near geometric scales, perhaps if something does fail in the future they will have a pill I can take and regrow a kidney. The far fetched things of Star Trek have already started to become reality today. See this clip from Star Trek 4, A Voyage Home, where Dr McCoy sneaks a pill out of his little black bag and gives it to an old lady on dialysis. 😀 [Dr McCoy Kidney Pill video] Who knows what advances in medical science will be available in the coming years?
So, at the end of the day, we live our lives moment by moment, choice by choice, and reap the consequences that are in our control and those out of our control.
Control- we sure like to think we are in control of our destinies, captains of our vessels. But really, God is in control. The Bible is clear for why there is sickness and pain, broken bodies and relationships, sin and death in our fallen world. Through it all, we each have the choice to trust in Jesus and trust the promises of New Life and restoration of creation. The other thing weighing heavily on me right now is the pain of regret. There’s been a few times in my life that I’ve come across a situation and I didn’t follow through with what I knew I was supposed to do at that very moment in time.
That’s exactly how I feel right now. I feel a prompting of the Holy Spirit to step up and be there for my friend and fellow brother in Christ. His need is now. I have to give to God the “what-ifs.” What if I have a family member or another friend that needs a kidney- I won’t be there for them if I’m down to only one. But God is bigger than that and he will provide for those future needs when, or if they ever come up. This moment is now. God has our backs, our joy is in Him through life’s trials.